THE WEEKLY FABRICATION

The leader of America’s highly touted Alpine Ski Team, Bode Miller, ended the Olympics a disappointing 0 for 5 in the medal category. Despite his lackluster performance in all events, Miller claimed the Olympics was a ‘very positive experience.’

“I went out a lot,” he said shortly after being disqualified from the slalom, Bode’s last chance to medal at the Olympics. “But I never drank the night before a race.”

A member of the U.S. Ski Team, who asked to remain anonymous, seemed confused when told that Miller was not drinking prior to the races.

“Then I don’t know what to tell you,” the Ski Team member said. “I thought it had to be the drinking, but if he wasn’t drunk then there must be some other reason why he sucked.”

According to media reports, Miller was spotted dancing at a local nightclub on several occasions. “He’s a good dancer,” said Erik Daniels, a journalist for the Milwaukee Sun. “The boy knows how to drop it like it’s hot.”

“He had the DJ play Green Day’s ‘American Idiot’ about fifty times,” said Carry Haderman, a reporter for FOX Sports International. “It was his anthem.”

In response to a barrage of negative press, Miller told reporters that he did not come to the Olympics to win medals. Choosing not to elaborate, the media concluded that he must have come to the Olympics to not win medals.

“His trophy case will be full of souvenir shot glasses instead of Olympic medals,” said Ted Davenport, a writer for the Kansas City Gazette. “But, hey, why should I give a damn? Bode seems fine with it.”