The recent taser attack on one of Aspen’s “recognizable transients” brought back fond memories of youth.

You see, while in college, my demented roommate, Lumpy LaRue, somehow came in possession of a stun gun.  This wasn’t the type of stun gun that shoots tasers into the victim from fifteen feet away.  His was the type that required pressing the gun into the victim’s flesh to inflict a high-voltage shock.  To use it required a special kind of wickedness.

Why would a college student need a stun gun in his dorm, you ask?  It wasn’t for protection, I can assure you.  LaRue could take care of himself and had many fights on his resume to prove it.  He possessed the stun gun solely for entertainment.

At times, college can be such a bore.  Anyone who spent his or her young adulthood amidst hallowed halls knows what I’m talking about.  A typical day goes like this: You sleep through your only class, pulverize a large pizza for lunch, play video games until your eyeballs burn, smoke this, that and the other, maybe have a beer or two, and all this before 2:30 pm.  That’s when you ask yourself, “What the hell am I supposed to do to between now and happy hour?”

Well, you could zap your buddy in the chest with 50,000 volts, for starters.  Here’s how it would go down.

INT. DORM HALLWAY – AFTERNOON

LaRue approaches a friend in the hallway, a slight smirk on this face. His hands are hidden in his pockets.

LARUE: Hey Murph?
MURPH: What?
LARUE: Have you ever seen someone electrocute a chicken?
MURPH: What?

LaRue thrusts a stun gun into Murph’s sternum – BZZZZZZZZZ! Murph emits the squeal of a knifed pig and crumbles to the ground, convulsing.

The reason this kept up for many years is that once LaRue had zapped someone, that person wanted desperately to see someone else zapped.  And so it continued.

INT. DORM HALLWAY – MINUTES LATER

MURPH (still jittery): You’re a total dick, LaRue.  How could you do that to someone?
LARUE: It’s easy, really.

LaRue flips the gun’s switch, electricity crackles.

MURPH: Let me see that thing.  I’m going to go shock the shit out of Tony.

I was stunned a few times and LaRue got shocked his fair share, as well.  Eventually, every one of our friends fell victim to the voltage.  At the time, these brutal attacks were both frightening and hilarious.  In retrospect, they’re just hilarious.

Though I doubt this would be of any comfort to our poor recognizable transient.