Last night, as the sky grew dark, a serious degree of nocturnal weirdness descended upon Aspen. The day had been normal enough, but as the 80’s pop song accurately proclaimed, “The Freaks Come Out At Night.”
It all started at the library. Before I left, I walked into the bathroom to find a shirtless man washing his underarms in the sink. Disgusted by the sight, I projected my repulsion upon him with a contorted smirk, but he paid me no mind as he worked up a nice lather in his hairy pit.
Leaving the library, I stepped into the cold night air and made my way cautiously down the snow packed sidewalk. Near the bus stop I passed a man who was pacing back and forth and made the mistake of asking how he was doing.
“Shitty,” he replied. I nodded and kept walking.
“Women just fuck everything up, don’t they?” he said, now trailing behind me. “How am I supposed to know what to do?” he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. The man was now close enough that I could smell alcohol on his breath.
“You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Come on, man. Help me out. What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know.” I said and quickly crossed the street into Clark’s Market.
“You doing some nighttime shopping?” he asked, still following me.
“Uh, yeah.”
I grabbed a shopping cart and the man ran ahead of me into the store, leaving me to shop in peace. “How strange,” I thought, but my experience in Aspen’s parallel universe had only just begun.
There were only a handful of people in Clark’s, all members of the underworld I had unknowingly entered.
Down the first isle I happened upon a scrubby looking kid filling a large cup with some sort of soft drink. He was laughing to himself uncontrollably as he filled his cup. He took several long swigs, refilled his cup and drank more. Soda dribbled down his chin.
I made my way to the dairy section and found a man putting a Naked Juice in the inner pocket of his trench coat. There was eye contact between us. Not discouraged by being caught red handed he calmly slid a second juice inside his coat, nodded to me, and walked away.
“What the hell is going on?” I thought. “This place is being pillaged.”
Not one to play citizen cop, I quickly gathered a few necessities and made my way towards the check out counter. Unfortunately, I turned down the magazine isle where my friend with women problems was flipping through a copy of Maxim.
“Check this out, man!” he said, pointing to a full-page image of a blonde model in lingerie. “You think she’s a bitch?” he continued, laughing as if he knew the answer. “She’d chew you up and spit you out. You’d be a mental case after a fling with a chick like that.”
I squeezed past him, smiling as if I agreed with every word. It was time to go home, inject myself into a normal setting.
I wheeled my cart to the counter where a young Asian boy greeted me.
“Shopping alone tonight?” he said.
What kind of question is that? Do most people shop with a partner? I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I simply said, “Yes.”
“The lone shopper,” he said quietly, almost to himself.
I felt like I was an extra in the American Express commercial with M. Night Shyamalan. Better yet, it was as if I had stepped onto the set of a David Lynch film – “Lost Highway” and “Mulholland Dr.” all rolled into one. Where’s the evil midget who has been following me in my dreams?
I pushed my cart towards the automatic doors, but when they swung open, there, lying on the ground, impeding my progress was a giant St. Bernard. I laughed out loud. The giant pooch wasn’t about to move so I grabbed my bags from the cart and stepped over him, walking back into the cold bizzaro night.
A young man, in a quiet ski town, out for a quart of milk. Little did he know as he left the library that he would be entering into…..the Twilight Zone!
And you wondered why a 125lb female police officer tasered some half crazed 200 lb, 6ft 2 women, holding a walking staff, who continued to threaten the officer by saying “you are not big enough to do anything to me.”
Behind the lights and valet parking, this town has its share of wacko’s like any other. So watch your back. The sheriff’s office is on permanent coffee break and the APD is so scared of their shadow they need the Chief’s permission, who then has to clear it with city council, before they will write a parking ticket.
A young man, in a quiet ski town, out for a quart of milk. Little did he know as he left the library that he would be entering into…..the Twilight Zone!
And you wondered why a 125lb female police officer tasered some half crazed 200 lb, 6ft 2 women, holding a walking staff, who continued to threaten the officer by saying “you are not big enough to do anything to me.”
Behind the lights and valet parking, this town has its share of wacko’s like any other. So watch your back. The sheriff’s office is on permanent coffee break and the APD is so scared of their shadow they need the Chief’s permission, who then has to clear it with city council, before they will write a parking ticket.
alpha 6 – you’re a tough nut to crack. do you live here?
that lady that got tazered is hardly 200 lbs – stealing a sweater out of a dumpster? If you saw her face to face in city market on any given day you’d know what I mean…..that cop shoulda just walked away. bad cop – no donut.
ever see that movie bad Lt.? one of the alltime greats…..rent it immediately if you haven’t seen it already.
and as for permanent coffee breaks, cafe ink seems the APD’s donut shop. just check out all the volvos parked on that block.
that big st bernard at clarks is a beast. ever seen his haggard buddy the old black dog? one time i gave him a piece of my fried chicken breast and the bastard wouldn’t eat it – looked at me like I was the homeless person.
keith is right – this town is mondo bizzarro – hardly dangerous. the homeless thing at the library is unfortunate – there was an interesting article about the temporary shelter in the paper friday….basically the guy from the right door was saying it enables homelessness.
interesting to see homelessness here over the years. it’s always been here, just sticks out more now. when i was a kid we were friends with the town’s homeless people……
alpha 6 – you’re a tough nut to crack. do you live here?
that lady that got tazered is hardly 200 lbs – stealing a sweater out of a dumpster? If you saw her face to face in city market on any given day you’d know what I mean…..that cop shoulda just walked away. bad cop – no donut.
ever see that movie bad Lt.? one of the alltime greats…..rent it immediately if you haven’t seen it already.
and as for permanent coffee breaks, cafe ink seems the APD’s donut shop. just check out all the volvos parked on that block.
that big st bernard at clarks is a beast. ever seen his haggard buddy the old black dog? one time i gave him a piece of my fried chicken breast and the bastard wouldn’t eat it – looked at me like I was the homeless person.
keith is right – this town is mondo bizzarro – hardly dangerous. the homeless thing at the library is unfortunate – there was an interesting article about the temporary shelter in the paper friday….basically the guy from the right door was saying it enables homelessness.
interesting to see homelessness here over the years. it’s always been here, just sticks out more now. when i was a kid we were friends with the town’s homeless people……
Bro,
You must be new in town. You story is not atypical. All the freaks end up here and they either shop at Clark’s or City Market.
Bro,
You must be new in town. You story is not atypical. All the freaks end up here and they either shop at Clark’s or City Market.
Sailor,
Yeah, I live here…I just don’t drink the kool-aid.
Anyone see the latest Aspen Peak rag? Holy smokes! Looking at the people who are the “happening” crowd in Aspen reminds me of the people I used to see lining up at Denny’s from Century Village in Florida. They better come up with more space at the Ute Cemetery….going to be filling up fast in the next couple of years.
Sailor,
Yeah, I live here…I just don’t drink the kool-aid.
Anyone see the latest Aspen Peak rag? Holy smokes! Looking at the people who are the “happening” crowd in Aspen reminds me of the people I used to see lining up at Denny’s from Century Village in Florida. They better come up with more space at the Ute Cemetery….going to be filling up fast in the next couple of years.
yeah no doubt – get the prada body bags ready, stat!
yeah no doubt – get the prada body bags ready, stat!