Many years ago Paul Rosa of Colorado Springs wrote a brilliant book called Idiot Letters – One Man’s Relentless Assault on Corporate America.  I use the word brilliant because not only did Paul Rosa manage to compose hysterically funny letters; he passed them off as being serious inquiries or complaints to dozens of companies in the U.S., in addition to writing a “how to” book for true idiots. 

If you weren’t an idiot before reading the book, you were certainly well prepared in becoming an idiot afterwards. Especially once you learned the tricks of how to get Corporate America to pay attention to you, even if only for a fleeting moment.

I learned back in the ‘70s, while working as the assistant to the man who invented the flavors at Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream, that a complaint goes a long way, while a compliment is forgotten in a couple of heartbeats.  Anyone who wrote a letter of praise for a particular flavor was rewarded with a return letter of thanks, along with a coupon for a free single dip ice cream cone. Those who took the time to write and gripe about some horrendous experience they encountered while wolfing down some mint chocolate chip found a letter in their mailbox with deepest apologies… and a certificate good for one quart of the ice cream flavor of their choice, redeemable at any Baskin-Robbins store in the U.S.  Moral of the story: it pays to piss and moan.
Paul Rosa knew this. Some of his idiot letters were to M&M’s, complaining about a deformed piece of candy in an otherwise perfect little pack of candy-coated chocolate pieces, all with the precise placement of the M&M’s logo in the center of the somewhat squashed little orb.

Mennen deodorant: Paul appreciated their product and used it everyday, but wondered if it was healthy in the long run for his body to absorb all his sweat and not have an outlet since his armpits were dry.

Maytag: if the guy doesn’t have any work to do, FIRE his ass!

The book has plenty more offerings as samples for your own idiot letters that will get you a reply, and most likely with a gift certificate of some sort to keep you interested in their product.

I had my own idiot letter moment without even realizing it the other day. I bought one of those new Glade plug-in oil scents… the one that has two scents in it that will last for 60 days. Having never owned a plug-in oil scent dispenser, I didn’t think the instructions would be too complicated. You have a plastic dispenser. It has two openings to hold the oil scent bottles. They snap in place. You plug in the dispenser and within a few minutes you begin to breathe the aroma of freshly cut roses on a spring day in the mountains after a rain.  How hard could that be?  I figured it out in about 12 seconds.

Nine days later I noticed the hardwood floor under the plug-in on the wall appeared to be wet. I felt the liquid. Sure enough, it was oily. “Damn piece of shit,” I said to myself out loud. “Why do I always end up with the crappy, defected things?”

I unplugged it, took the two oil bottles out, wiped them off, looked over the plastic dispenser thingy, put the bottles back in, making sure they snapped in place tightly.  I plugged it back in the wall, this time on my kitchen sink so I could keep an eye on it.

Thirty minutes later there was a puddle of oil.  “I hate you, Glade! Why don’t you have these things made in America?!”

I found the company website online and clicked the Contact Us button. Up popped a form, easy to fill out and explain my problem. A day later I had a reply. “Call us toll free so we can discuss your problem.”

I did. A nice man asked me several questions about my defective unit. He even wanted to know how old my hardwood floor is.  I don’t know why.  Do old floors cause scented oil dispensers to not work? If so, that wasn’t the problem, because my floor is in a new townhome that is three months old.

He asked, “When you plugged in the unit, were the oil bottles’ wicks facing upward, sideways, or downward?” 

“They were downward, I think. Yes, I’m pretty sure they were pointing downward.”

He apologized for the lemon I bought and said he would send out a certificate for me to get a brand new Glade plug-in.  I should have it in a week. I thanked him for his time and consideration.

“You’re quite welcome. Thank you for being a Glade customer. When you get the new unit and you insert the oil bottles, be sure to plug in the unit so the wicks are pointing upwards.”

“Shit.. what an idiot I am,” I admitted to myself. I certainly wasn’t going to admit it to him! I probably wouldn’t get the certificate for a new one.  Good thing I hadn’t thrown the other one out. Now I will have two smell-goody things in my home.

I bet Paul Rosa has a nice smelling home, too.  The guy at Glade probably thinks I’m related to Mr. Rosa.

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